The Beginning

This is an excerpt from a journal I started keeping before attending any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings:

It has been six years since I met my husband. I was swept off my feet by his carefree charm, love of debate, intellect and quiet humility. We shared similar beliefs about marriage and plans for our lives so marriage was quickly decided and babies followed shortly after. Our third is on his way now and motherhood has been my constant saving grace. But now, after these few short chaotic years, I want to feel whole again.

My husband has ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was young and started taking Adderall in high school. By the time I met him he had been taking it, and presumably abusing it, for several years. It was not something we talked about and it took me a long time to understand why his moods and energy levels seemed to change with the wind. When we were dating he would stay up all night for two weeks at a time to read. Then, suddenly, I wouldn't be able to reach him for most of a weekend. I pieced the puzzle together over those early years with no truth from him on the subject. He genuinely thought (and still thinks) it is a non-issue and therefor, nothing to discuss.

Over the last couple of years, I have attempted to address the issue in every passive way possible. The tension in our lives has increased with each passing month and each conversation about the medicine. When he doesn't take enough medicine, his decisions are inexplicably reckless. He will sleep at inappropriate times, spend money he doesn't have and drink more than he should. I have spent countless nights worrying about him for one reason or another but they all trace back to one route cause: He has not taken his medicine properly.

My life is different from most people I know now.

How can I explain to someone that I love and want to have a future with that I may not ever be able to forgive him for letting me feel completely alone when our babies were born? And that I may ask him not to be there when this baby is being delivered? Would it be worse to be alone or have all of my hopes dashed when I realize my husband is indifferent to my pain and fear, let alone the baby's arrival? Is there anything more hurtful than indifference?