Al-Anon: Taking the First Step

In Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, the twelve steps mirror the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Step One reads:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or addict)—that our lives had become unmanageable.

I knew my husband had a problem for a long time, but lived in denial for at least two years. Part of it was an ignorance of addiction and Al-Anon helped me to understand and have a desire to learn more about it. I think I struggled most with admitting there was a problem out of my control, because it meant I would probably have to confront him about it. I don't like confrontation. The path of least resistance is always my favorite path. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than confrontation. Every personality test I've ever taken says the same thing: I'm a peacemaker or diplomat. So the thought of bearing the responsibility of telling him that I thought he had a substance abuse problem, was too much for me to bear. I don't know that I ever would have had the strength without Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. In the past I have exhausted every round-about way of telling him he had a problem and felt some degree of guilt for not being more clear in hind sight.







The first meeting that I attended was a Nar-Anon meeting. We live in a large metro area so there are a lot of meeting times to choose from and I started just going at the times that worked. In my very first Nar-Anon meeting, I knew I had found something that could help. I had been advised to attend a meeting several years before but had thought it sounded crazy. How could I sit in a room with people who have horror stories about their addicts and the worst thing mine has ever done is sleep on the couch too much? But they were warm and wonderful and every single person who shared that night made me realize I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It took several different meeting times for me to find a group I really feel close to, but I will never forget some of the wisdom of that first meeting and the overwhelming joy when I left: at last, I was not alone. 


The kids and I left to stay at my parents one day this fall when I really just couldn't do it anymore. He was asleep on the couch so he wasn't even phased by it. It was over two weeks later before he called to ask what he needed to do for us to come home. I finally said very clearly that he had a problem and it needed to be addressed in a 12 step program. He pretended not to understand and I repeated the same message. He repeated his question several times, hoping for a different answer every time. By the time we hung up the phone I had told him 8 times the same message. It was not pleasant, but it was liberating. I knew this was my first step; not excusing myself from the truth and the confrontation for his sake. I knew he might hate me and I knew he didn't care to hear what I was saying, but I said it any way. This was my Step One.

I know that I am powerless over his addictions and my life had become completely insane in efforts to change and fix the situation. Life is certainly not getting exponentially simpler living as a single parent, but learning to and having the confidence to set boundaries is a lot easier when I know he knows where I stand.