Paddle Boards

In my very first Nar-Anon meeting, a man shared about his experiences with his son and his addiction to cocaine. One image that he gave in regards to his own struggle I refer to continuously. He said,  "My addict is on his own paddle board and I am on mine. If I try to let him climb on mine or if I try to get on his, we will both fall in the water." Further to the point, the calmer I am on my board, the calmer the sea is for his board.

This has been a really helpful image for me to reflect over any time a problem arises that I feel compelled to act on. My addict's relationship with his family is not on my paddle board. My addict's car breaking down because he refuses to get the oil changed is not on my paddle board. My addict losing his health insurance because he hasn't been working is not on my paddle board. My addict perpetually risking a DUI or harm to himself and others is not on my paddle board. The only things that I need to concern myself with are the items on my paddle board.

This analogy has been helpful in making the decisions that needed to be made for my family. In order for my husband's problems to remain on his paddle board and to not interfere with mine, I had to figure out how to move them to one or the other completely. For example: I can not be a stay at home mom anymore. His employment needs to be solely on his paddle board and not mine. If the kids and I are dependent on him in any way, that can't happen. This has been helpful and reassuring as I sorted out what actions needed to be taken and attempted to do so without vengeance and pain as a motivator.

So over these last few months, as it became clear that changes had to be made for the sake of our family, it has made things simpler to remember that I do not want any shared responsibilities with him until he has found a program and recovery. My responsibilities and paddle board are keeping me plenty busy! The legal separation has helped with making these distinctions very simple for me and for him. This wouldn't be the right path for every spouse in a relationship with an addict, but it has been for me. I needed the boundaries to be crystal clear for when he spends time with the kids, what his financial responsibilities include and the repercussions for not fulfilling them, etc. 

I am very grateful for the Nar-Anon and Al-Anon programs. This piece of wisdom would have taken a very long time to realize and understand without the support of people with common experiences. There has been so much value for me to listen every week to these people I've grown to love. I can not relate to everyone's story, but I can certainly appreciate their desire to be there.